


Night Tremor

by boneswrites



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: After effects of the serum, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Jim tries to wrap his head around everything, Leonard and Jim deal with it together, M/M, Post-Star Trek Into Darkness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-17
Updated: 2016-07-17
Packaged: 2018-07-24 15:29:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7513505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boneswrites/pseuds/boneswrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim wakes up in the middle of the night afraid of…well, himself and Leonard is left to put his broken pieces back together. Leonard stays strong for the both of them, but breaks apart inside. And somehow, through healing Jim, he heals himself as well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Night Tremor

**Author's Note:**

> This is totally something I would see happening. It's basically Jim dealing with what happened to him and trying to wrap his head around it, and it's not an easy process. But thank god for Leonard I would say. He would be patient and caring and loving and right there for whatever Jim needs. I hope you enjoy this, and feedback is always appreicated!

Leonard shifted, his arm landing beside him. The sheet was cold and the space usually taken up by Jim empty. He frowned his eyebrows, pushing one eyelid open and squinted, trying to find his boyfriend in the dark room. He turned his body to face the nightstand; it wasn’t even four in the morning yet. He moved to sit up, finger combing his fluffed hair and threw the cover aside.

“Jim?” Leonard called out, his voice hoarse and dry. He leaned to the side, switching on the side lamp, casting shadows on all four walls.

No response.

“Darlin’?” Leonard tried again, getting to his feet and walked out of the room.

He listened for the soft buzz of the television, knowing out of habit that on his sleepless nights, Jim throws himself on the couch and watches some crappy reruns, eventually drifting off. Leonard would find him and carry him back into bed. However, this time, the familiar hum wasn’t there. In fact, the living room wasn’t even vaguely lit. Everything was exactly where they had left it before they’d gone to bed. There’s another thing, when he couldn’t sleep, Jim sometimes cleaned up.

Leonard swallowed, the sleep evaporating from his body. Bathroom then. He nodded to no one and stopped in front of the closed door, giving it a gentle knock.

“Jim? You all right?”

Nothing.

“Jim? I’m coming in, okay?” With that, Leonard pushed the door open and was greeted by emptiness.

Leonard’s stomach flipped, threatening to send up last night’s dinner, pizza and beer. Panic began rising in his chest as he quickly retreated into the bedroom. Jim hadn’t gone out, Leonard saw his discarded keys on the kitchen counter.

And then Leonard saw him, saw Jim.

He relaxed for a mere second before fully grasping the state Jim was in. No wonder he didn’t see him when he walked out of the room.

Curled into himself with his head buried between his knees and legs pulled into his chest, Jim seemed to be rocking back and forth, huddled between the couch and the window.

“Jesus Christ, Jim,” Leonard swore, making it to his side in three long strides. Leonard kneeled in front of him, carefully placing his hands on the shaking shoulders and held on.

Jim didn’t react.

“Jim? What happened?” Leonard prompted. “Come on, talk to me.”

This wasn’t uncommon, nights like these. Well, Jim wouldn’t be in this position but he’d be woken up by the usual nightmare and Leonard would be right up with him, coaxing him back to sleep and keeping a watchful gaze until the sun came out. Which is why Leonard was having trouble understand this particular situation. Jim usually woke him up, or the sudden jump beside him would steal Leonard from sleep, but this was a first.

Ever since the incident with Khan and Jim dying and being brought back by Leonard, both men had needed time to adjust. They ended up back in San Francisco on an open-ended medical leave while the crew took the Enterprise back into the black. Jim needed to wrap his head around what had happened and he needed Leonard with him to be able to do that. It’s been eight months since they settled into their apartment overlooking the Academy campus. It’s been seven months since Leonard started working at Starfleet Medical. Leonard couldn’t leave Jim alone for the first month after he was released from the hospital, seeing as Jim would freak out if Leonard were out of his reach.

They thought they were getting better, they thought they had healed. But right now, crouching in front of Jim’s pale form, Leonard began reevaluating that conclusion.

“Jim,” Leonard tried again. “Can you lift your head for me?”

Ever so slowly, Jim obeyed and bloodshot blue eyes met wide-open hazel ones.

“You wanna tell me what happened?”

Jim sniffed, shaking his head.

“Okay, okay, I’m right here, I’ll be right here,” Leonard assured.

Jim let his head fall back against his knees and visibly tightened his arms around his legs.

Leonard sighed, one of his hands finding its way to the back of Jim’s neck and began weaving his fingers through the short blond hair. He managed to pull himself closer to Jim, softly pressing his lips to the younger man’s temple and began mumbling reassuring words. It wasn’t the most comfortable position, but Leonard wouldn’t dare move, not until Jim was ready.

Amidst all that, Leonard’s mind went back to the first time Jim woke up after he gave him the serum. Two agonizing and sleepless weeks later.

Leonard barely left the white Starfleet Medical room that held Jim, lying on the big biobed, the image not quite right. Leonard was used to seeing Jim in a biobed, that much he knew, but this was different. This was different because Jim had died. He had died on Leonard’s watch and the doctor will never forgive himself for that, not that Jim will ever know.

Leonard was hovering near Jim’s bed, entering some data into his PADD with a nurse recording Jim’s vitals off the interactive screen. The silence was interrupted by the sudden eruption of Jim’s pained groans.

Dropping his PADD on the nearest surface, Leonard was beside Jim in a heartbeat, his eyes trailing from Jim’s damp face that held clear signs of discomfort to the screen, seeing Jim’s heart was racing and his blood pressure was through the roof. He saw the nurse grab a hypo from the corner of his eye and he raised a hand to stop her from ejecting what he unmistakable knew was a drug to send Jim back to sleep, into his neck.

“Don’t,” Leonard ordered, placing both hands on Jim’s moving shoulders.

“Doctor—”

“I got this, he doesn’t need it.” Leonard’s eyes were blown open, the hunger and exhaustion and sleep deprivation surging through this body momentarily forgotten.

Reluctantly, the nurse returned the hypo and walked out of the room.

Leonard leaned over Jim, feeling him squirm under his grip but getting weaker until it finally subsided. Realizing Jim was struggling to catch his breath, Leonard increased the oxygen output of the nasal cannula.

“Jim? Jim, can you here me? It’s Bones,” Leonard watched Jim’s face closely.

Jim’s eyes twitched and slowly drew his eyelids open. All he could see was bright light and it hurt.

“Lights, fifty percent,” Leonard ordered and the room immediately dimmed.

Having heard that, Jim tried again and successfully opened his eyes to look at Leonard’s worried face through a blurry vision.

“’ones?” Jim slurred.

“Yeah, Jim, it’s me. Hey, darlin’. Oh my God, hi,” Leonard breathed, feeling his knees go weak.

“Wha’ happen?”

“You’re okay, everything’s okay, I’m right here.” Not quite trusting the monitors or himself, thinking that he could be hallucinating all of this, Leonard covered Jim’s wrist with his fingers and held his breath until he felt the steady thud against his touch. He was an old-fashioned man anyway.

He lifted his hand and ran it through Jim’s hair, moving it through the strands then over the side of his face, cupping it.

“Bone’?”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Leonard promised, sliding his hand into Jim’s.

Leonard fell asleep bending over, his forehead resting next to Jim’s arm when the blaring of an alarm startled him awake.

He immediately looked at Jim. He was ghostly white and his lips were blue.

He jumped to his feet, pressing the call button on the biobed and grabbed his tricorder, running it over Jim’s body. Leonard looked over his shoulder when he heard footsteps approach and saw M’Benga standing in the doorway, looking confused himself.

“Don’t just stand there! Get in here and help!”

“Help with what?”

“Jim, goddamn it! Look at him!”

“Looks fine to me,” M’Benga raised an eyebrow.

“He’s not fine!” Leonard turned back to Jim and abruptly stopped. “He was…he was blue a second ago.”

M’Benga stood near Leonard, looking over Jim, who was in good condition. Well, not good per se, but not dead either. So yeah, good.

“I swear…” Leonard whispered, his eyes landing on the screen. Jim’s heart rate and blood pressure were within normal ranges. “I don’t understand.”

“You’re tired, Len. God knows how many hours of sleep you got in the past three weeks.”

“I’m not that tired,” Leonard defended.

“Your body needs to rest,” M’Benga clasped Leonard’s shoulder.

“He was blue…”

“He’s fine, I promise. He’s fine because of you,” M’Benga reminded Leonard.

“Just—I need, just let me,” Leonard moved forwards, wrapping his fingers around Jim’s wrist once again. One, two, three, four…Leonard relaxed, Jim’s beat consistent.

Leonard didn’t leave the room. M’Benga had a cot set up for him in the corner.

Snapping himself back to reality, Leonard turned his attention back to the quivering Jim under his touch.

“You’re okay, Jim, you’re okay, I’m right here,” Leonard soothed.

Suddenly startled, Jim whisked his head upwards; it would have collided with the hard wall if it weren’t for Leonard’s hand strongly supporting it. Jim’s eyes were wide and hollow, fear consuming his entire face.

“Hey, hey,” Leonard raised his voice. “Jim, look at me—damn it, Jim, look at me.”

Jim did, but nothing changed. He continued to whither under Leonard’s grip and moved to stand up on his wobbly knees. It’s like he didn’t know or recognize Leonard.

“Stop, get off me—leave me alone—get off!” Jim yelled, trying to push Leonard away with no luck. Jim’s strong but Leonard is heavy. And Jim is already worn out.

Leonard shoved Jim backwards into the wall, pressing his body against him to keep him in place. He guided Jim’s face so he would be looking straight at him and held their gaze.

Jim’s hands found Leonard’s arms and dug his nails into the flesh, undoubtedly leaving red marks but the doctor didn’t care. He focused his attention on Jim, Jim is all that matters.

“Focus on me, Jim, that’s it,” Leonard encouraged. “We’ll go through this together, it will pass, take deep and even breaths, that’s it. You’re okay, you’re fine.”

Leonard watched as Jim’s empty eyes began to ease and he saw him come back to himself. Jim’s head flung left and right, as if he had no idea where he was and how he got there but his eyes finally settled down on the familiar face that belonged to Leonard.

“Bones?” Jim croaked.

Leonard blew out the breath he didn’t know he was holding. “Yeah, darlin’, it’s me.”

Jim’s face flooded with emotion as it crashed into him, his hold on Leonard tightening.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Jim whispered, a few tears falling and disappearing into his cotton shirt. “I tired—but I couldn’t call out…my voice—it wasn’t there.”

“There’s nothing to apologize for,” Leonard whisked a hand through Jim’s hair. “It’s not your fault, none of it is.”

Jim inhaled deeply trying to control the hammering against his chest but felt like he was being suffocated.

“I keep going back there, I keep going through it again and I know I’ll never see you again and I can’t breathe and it drags me back and I don’t want to go back there, I don’t want to think about it, I don’t want to remember it. I’m tired of going back there, I’m so tired I just want it to end,” Jim said hysterically, hitting his closed fists against Leonard’s chest.

“Let it out, Jim, let it out, I’m right here. You’re okay, this will pass, I promise.”

“I died, I fucking died and I can’t—I just—can’t,” Jim sobbed, dropping his face into Leonard’s neck.

“I know, I know, but you’re here now, I got you. You’re right here and you’re not going anywhere and I’m not going anywhere. We’re okay.”

“I’m scared,” Jim quivered.

Leonard closed his eyes, trying to keep himself in check. He could cry later, he could be a mess later, but in this moment right here he’s got to keep himself together, he’s got to stay strong, for Jim.

“It’s okay to be scared, Jim, I’m scared too. But you’re not alone, you’ll never be alone because I’m never gonna leave you.”

Leonard held Jim as the sobs racked through his body.

“I couldn’t sleep, tried making it to the living room but the walls were closing in and I couldn’t move,” Jim finally said, taking in the familiar scent of Leonard, of love and safety and home.

“Why didn’t you wake me?”

“You had a long day and you were so tired I didn’t want to bother you.”

“Never say that, Jim,” Leonard pulled back to look at Jim. “You need me, you wake me up. You scared me half to death, I didn’t see you and my heart fell into my knees because I couldn’t find you.”

“I—I don’t know what’s happening,” Jim said, his voice heavy with defeat and helplessness.

“It’s a process, it takes time,” Leonard leaned in, connecting his forehead with Jim’s.

“I’m so tired, Bones,” Jim sighed.

Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. The baggage Jim was carrying was too much for one man to bear alone.

But Jim wasn’t alone.

“What do you need?” Leonard asked softly.

“Can you just stay?”

“Of course,” Leonard nodded, pulling Jim into his chest.

“Whenever I close my eyes, I’m automatically back there, in the wrap core. I know what I’m doing and I know why I’m doing it, but there’s this part of me…this part that doesn’t want to do it. It’s the part that wants to grow old with you, the part that knew deep down I’ll never see you again if I went through with it. And…I went through with it.”

“Don’t do that, Jim,” Leonard tightens his hold. “Don’t blame yourself, you did what you had to do, you saved the ship and the crew. You saved _me_. And I saved _you_.”

“I owe you more than just…that.”

“I don’t regret a thing, Jim, never have and I never will. I understand why you did it, it drove me crazy and nearly ripped me apart but I understand. And you’re here now, that’s all that matters,” Leonard soothed.

“I’m sorry,” Jim’s voice caught in his throat.

Leonard massaged the nape of Jim’s neck, knowing it helps relax him. “Don’t be.”

Jim closed his eyes and got closer to Leonard, wanting nothing more than to disappear into the older man, melt into him and forget the troubles of the world. “I don’t think I can go back out there.”

“You’ll be ready in time, Jim.”

“What if…what if I don’t want to be ready?” Jim’s voice uncertain and small.

Leonard pulled back, looking into Jim’s eyes.

“I want to get better, but that’s not what I meant. I don’t think I should go back out there,” Jim corrected.

Leonard remained silent, studying the man in front of him.

“Maybe…it’s time we settle down, for good. And I don’t mean on a starship. I mean here. You and me, together. We’ve survived death, we can survive anything.”

Leonard’s eyes glistened with unshed tears. “You really mean that?”

“I do,” Jim nodded.

“There’s nothing I’d love more,” Leonard touching their foreheads. “I just want to make sure you won’t regret this.”

“I won’t, I’ve given everything, including my life and I don’t regret that. But you, and spending the rest of my life with you means more to me than space ever will. Maybe even have a kid or two with you.” With shaky hands, Jim brackets Leonard’s face and swipes his thumbs over the skin underneath. “I know what I’m saying,” he whispers. “I’ve been trying to find a way to tell you for so long.”

“I trust your word, darlin’, I trust it,” Leonard nodded.

After Jim stifled a yawn, Leonard got to his feel, his knees cracking in the process and pulled Jim up with him. They crawled into bed, Jim nesting against Leonard’s side and draping his arm over the broad chest.

“Will they ever stop?”

“I don’t know,” Leonard answered truthfully. “But they’ll get easier to deal with, and whatever it is, we’ll deal with it.”

Jim inhaled deeply and let out a slow breath, finally believing that it will turn out okay.

After all, who needs space when they’ve got the brightest star right next to them?


End file.
